Facebook: Into the Mouth of Social Media Madness (HUMOR)


F*ck You, Facebook!

Well, that felt good to get off my chest. Sorry, sometimes people and ideals get under my skin. Sometimes, it turns me into an annoying barking dog. Just don’t catch me on a full moon. Because, I shape shift into a poodle and bitch about the government.


 “Today, people get so lost in the image of their selfies that they forget to step back and look at the bigger picture.”

           — Wise Ancient Zen Monk Master


  1. Inspirational posters which inspire no one except maybe hatred for our fellow man.
  2. The same 5000 quotes from the same 5 people.
  3. Invitations to annoying games by people you never met.
  4. Being ignored by friends online.
  5. That moment when you gone on Facebook and the person you were looking for quickly leaves. 🙁
  6. Using Facebook while black out drunk can have dire consequences.
  7. It has enough baby pictures and kitten memes to fill the library of congress.
  8. The righteous Facebook users who never go on during the weekend.
  9. The fact that its replaced the human dynamic of voice wth OMG! WTF! lololol u go grl! 😉
  10. Forgetting and or accidentally posting and or sending sexually explicit material to your parents or close relatives. They all ready know you’re a dick. They just don’t want it f*ckin’ their faces all over the Internet like some b.y.o.b. Mexican gay bar. If you wanted to do that, jump on chat roulette.



Now, I am just as guilty as millions of others who left myspace.com and joined facebook.com.  However, I begin to regret that decision everyday. Also, I can’t believe it’s been over a decade since the first social network Facebook was launched. Oh, wait that was MySpace. Or was it Friendster? Heck, I didn’t even know about is until I StumbleUpon’ed it. Hey, that’s a Google+ 1 point for me.


I’ve been a facebook user for over a decade now and I think to myself? WHY??????!??!?!???!?!?!?!? I begin to hate the site more and more. It has some perks like its ability to become a digital black book and digital family index rolled up into one neat little digital package. You know, poke your best friends wife and your wifes hot sister. Yeah, you see where I’m going with this. Another great thing is adding all your friends ex girlfiriends, sisters, mom, virtually all the living woman on his Facebook page onto your Facebook page. Basically, become him minus the incest. Yeah, people love that!  Plus, keep in touch with old friends or have them ignore you. Sure, some of the games are fun. The in depth profile is always nice to have. It has its strong points I guess.


I hate the new online marketing matrix’s selling their crap to me. Here’s a poem that describes my distaste.

The Businessman is Watching (POETIC SATIRE)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
big businessman
is watching you

so, careful what you say
or, you’ll find advertisements
for something gay
flooding your Facebook page.

Speaking of which,
I made an innocent pedophile joke
and now I got Belial* Mart
sending e. mails with coupons
for boys pants half off!

  • Belial can also be replaced with baal or bal but can NEVER be replaced with

balls. No exceptions ever!!!

Of course, this next part gets quite ugly. I mean dig your eyeballs out, seek treatment ugly. So, please enjoy!



Everyone now days is paranoid of internet stalkers. This strange guy befriended me on Facebook which I accepted his invitation voluntarily. Now he keeps staring at my public profile. Then, he thumbs up all my posts! Crazy guy even tried to communicate via instant message and chat but I  hid in the closest with my gun in one hand and my bible in the other. I even vomited a little in my mouth.

Really? At least when their icon shows up you know exactly where they are, at home safe on the computer awing at the newest cat memes on their Facebook feeds. No, what you should worry about is when their icon disappears. Where did they go? Are they asleep? Are they in the bushes taking photos of me behind my computer drinking coffee? How did they know I sit and drink coffee at the same time?

Personally, I like an occasional stalker; their obsessive delusions reminds me of how unforgettable I am. It’s an ego booster! No, you shouldn’t worry until they message with, “I’m coming over to kill you bitch” and their little icon switches to mobile. Followed by a new post with a message reading, “Well, I’ll miss you all but I’m probably going to be going away for a while. Have a good day”.

Five minutes later two of his buddies thumbs up the post. Another comments back, “where you at?’ Another thirty seconds roll by and the stalker texts back with, “I’m on my way to kill this bitch”. Somehow, this starts a conversation that goes on for awhile.



Besides, sending cheap ass invitations for your fancy dinner parties. Facebook is also a great place to mess with the heads of your close friends, beloved family members and cherished colleges. My best, worst advice for Facebook ever. Write something crazy and than totally forget about it. Here’s a perfect one if you want the people closest to you scared and probably confused. But, most definitely scared.

One day, write on facebook.

I am the Walrus and the Son of Sam. I am the Walrus and the Son of Sam. I am the Walrus and the Son of Sam.

If you’re a woman, say this instead.

I am the Mother of Invention and the Queen of the Damned. I am the Mother of Invention and the Queen of the Damned.

Repeat these words until your mind begins to almost accept them as reality. I call this The Cliff of Madness. Don’t fall over, just kind of balance their for a few days and observe what happens.

Oh, you’ll get a lot of awkward silence wherever you go. But, people will tip toe around what they say when you’re around.  And, if that don’t work. Next time your at the office or at the dinner table. Makes sure to whisper.

I am the walking dead and the evil within. I am the walking dead and the evil within.

That’ll throw ’em off for a few days. They’ll start asking you questions like have you seen the missing cats in the neighborhood or have you ever had the unwilling urge to kill! If they do, “tell them that Jordie says you’re next”. If they ask who’s Jordie, “tell them he’s an imaginary friend who writes to me on my computer”.

Then, show them a message with a blank screen and point while saying, ” can’t you see it? The letter is right there. Should, I read it to you?’ I you would like, see how far you can go with this joke. Just make sure to put this post on your browser in case things go to far. You could cause some serious damage with this joke. Make this a cautionary tale.



7 Books for Every Samurai!

These seven books don’t dance around like some poorly choreographed Kung Fu fantasy. They go straight for the jugular.

Perfect for warriors and career professional alike. Lean to become a legendary badass in no time at all!

The Art of War.

A book about military management and strategy. The Art of War is easily applied to the business world.

The Prince. 

The book on how to become feared and hated through ruthless tyranny. It sounds better on paper. And yes the Prince has a bad reputation. But its popularity has stood the test of time. A must-read on the subject of Power politics. 

The Book of Five Rings

 Written by a legendary undefeated samurai badass and Zen monk master. Musashi teaches his secrets to inner peace and wisdom through the deadly precision of Japanese weaponry.

Civil Disobedience.

This is the ultimate essay on why government is stupid and why Thoreau didn’t have to listen to them.

How to Win Friends and Influence People.

This is the perfect read for anyone who just finished reading The Prince, burned a whole village to the ground and now wants to send flowers as an apology- or wish them a Merry Christmas.

Think and Grow Rich. 

The DIY guide on how to train your mind to achieve your true genius. And also how to become stupid stinking rich.

The War of Art. 

This book teaches you the tools necessary to sneak up ninja style behind those little voices in your head that hold you back and take them out! Perfect reading for artists, entrepreneurs and of course- NINJAS!

20 Hacks to Help Improve your Mental Health

  • Quit taking life so serious and remind yourself to laugh. Watch your favorite stand up comedians, movies, books, whatever. Find that funny place. It lowers stress rates and us reminds how ridiculous this all truly is. [1]
  • Remind yourself that everyone is unique; but we’re all created from the same place, the universal mind, so quit thinking you’re so special. Find the people you connect with and become part of something bigger than yourself.
  • Quit wasting precious creative energy. Quit trying too fix the world. Fix yourself. Find a medium of creative expression; and recreate yourself. [2]
  • Know yourself. Quit projecting your insecurities onto others. Know we are limitless & boundless. Society places those restrictions on us because it scares the hell out of the system. Flush all that out of your system. Find what needs to be rewritten. Take criticism seriously. Knowing your limits is the first step towards breaking free of them. [3]
  • Stop taking things personal. This is hard when we deal with the grand pecking order of a daily basis. Laugh it off. Take this social bullying as a life challenge. Us that disgust in your favor. Put a positive spin on that forces you too start making making the changes towards your desired goals. [4]
  • Humans are creatures of habit. It takes ten thousand hours before something becomes natural. So practice good habits because over time, the bad habits become harder too detect.
  • Read a book, watch a documentary, listen too a pod cast. Keep your mind sharp. Quit filling your soul with ear candy and junk food T.V. Truth is organic, it is the holistic
  • Keep your eyes open for new information, keep your ears open for the latest ideas; because, you never know where you’ll get that next important bit of information. [5]
  • Ideas are tools. Learning to use them will only benefit you. Ideas are free. If you dig hard enough on the net, you’ll find the highest quality ideas to add too your tool box.
  • Instead of trying to categorize things in life, learn to build connections between them.
  • When taking on a major task for the first time, take it step by step. Learn to be refrained, hold back, keep your phallic guitar god skills in your pants and learn too the basics step by step.
  • Don’t ever tell yourself, I can’t do something or that it’s impossible. You’re planting those thoughts in your head; that’ll only bring those thoughts too fruition later on. Weed out all the resistance and nurture only what’s going to bear you a bountiful harvest. [6]
  • Every night, think about what you did well that day and also what needs improvement. [7]
  •  Learn to love yourself unconditionally. This doesn’t mean making out with the mirror while you embrace yourself in wild passion. That’ll only put you one step closer too jumping in the lake too save your own reflection. Simply- do what is best for yourself.
  • Remain content with life because it decreases the chances of seduction or manipulation. So, try not too lock others out by being insecure. [8]
  • Radiate with love especially unconditional love. Burn brighter than all the stars in the galaxy with complete sincerity, passion and remorse instead of festering guilt, regret, hate or fear. You know, find your bliss. [9]
  •  Stay away from negative influences especially addiction to hard drugs such as Liquor, Opiates and Cocaine because of the people and situations these subcultures produce.
  • People, the way they project themselves and the activities they partake in effects the environment. In order to survive, humans adapt mentally to their surroundings at an exceptional rate. So, remain aware of people and their surroundings at all times.
  • Learn too find balance within yourself, with nature, the universe and with the world around you.
  • Become a great person by helping first yourself; and then by teaching others what has worked for you. [10]

Key Sources

[1] Ideas taken from Mel Helitzer’s Comedy Writing Secrets Second Edition that claims that humor Psychologically is often the effect of one group of people expressing a sense of superiority over others often higher on the pecking order. The Philosopher Alan Watts discusses in a lecture about how the historical Fool was one who saw the System as a game Modern examples include most Stand Up Comedians with strong Emphasis on George Carlin, Bill Hicks and Joe Rogan.

[2] Ideas taken from “The Mystery of Sex” a chapter from Napoleon Hills book Think and Grow Rich. The concept of the Universal mind also comes up in Think and Grow Rich, most religions, mystery school religions, Theoretical Physics, etc.

[3] Most of the concepts here can be found in The Essential Kabbalah, Translated by Daniel C. Matt.

[4] A major lesson taken out of Dale Carnegie’s book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.

[5] Idea taken from writer and Salesman Tom Hopkins

[6] This is a less aggressive approach too the ideas taken from the book The War of Art by Steven Pressfield.

[7] Concept of daily self reflection taken from The Golden Verses of Pythagoras with the Commentary of Hierocles.

[8] A major point examined in Robert Greene’s book The Art of Seduction.

[9] Lesson taken from Joseph Campbell’s Documentary film: The Power of Myth.

[10] The concept of being a Great Person comes from Thomas Cleary’s Translation of The Taoist I Ching with Commentary by Confucius.

5 Reasons Why Creativity is Beneficial in the Work Place

Five Reasons Creativity is Beneficial for the workplacebox, business, celebrate

This doesn’t mean standing around goofing off while on the clock. We can all work and share a joke or a story at the same time. We can all manage to take a free online course at a time and receive a free certificate of completion displayable on our LinkedIn accounts. We can all manage a little more audiobooks and a little less television. But why? What good does creativity benefit the average individual? Well… Here are 5 good reasons why creativity is beneficial in the workplace.

1. Keeps the daily grind feeling fresh and new. This boosts energy and increases productivity. It also makes the day go by faster.

2. This little bit of freedom and playfulness helps to loosen the tension. This means more time spent focusing on the task at hand.

3. It helps to keep your mind sharp and alert. This helps with problem-solving and details. 

4. It changes the way you perceive the world, opening you up to new perspectives. This creates human empathy which helps build bridges over social and cultural barriers.

5. Allows us to express ourselves. And by letting ourselves be more vulnerable, we can begin to connect with ourselves, our co-workers and the Customer on a more genuine level.

Smart Phones should ban Stupid People

6de65b93e61b44acc1a1257676d95721I read somewhere that smartphones have more computing power than the Apollo 11 shuttle landing on the moon. Yet, I can’t find a decent GPS app for my phone- “Take a left into Lake Michigan”.

“The closest this generation will come to launching a rocket on the moon is Dick pics to Russian spammers.”

Then you’ve got those adolescent crybabies who stand around with their phone in their hand, pushing my buttons. I begin to think. What are their kids going to be like?

“I fear a future run by emotionless robots- but enough about the smartphone generation.”

They need to come out with an App that measures Smart Phone users stupidity factor. Every time you listen to pop music, the meter goes up into your forced to listen to classical music.

“I’m writing the first text message novella. It’s five thousand words written completely in acronyms”.


Weekly Humor, Debriefing the Phallic Nature of War.

Sometimes, I look at war & only see a bunch of phallic symbols swinging around in the air. Come on, unsheathing your long hard rod and stabbing it into the guts of another person might sound like a fun night in Vegas; but this is the reality.39345386

Personally, I think war is two cultures who secretly want to screw each other but are sexually repressed by their religion. So, they whip out their guns and shoot their hot load in their enemies face.

Or, maybe war is a tyrannical act of the elite ruling classes ritualistic sacrifice to see whose weapons are bigger, stronger, harder, faster and longer lasting than their competitors.

It’s about how much built up seamen these war mongers can unleash in their enemies faces before they completely drain the gene pool.

36619725 I hope someday we make self-consciousness firearms which are self-aware of their masters. If they don’t like their master, they blow up in their faces. Self sacrifice! That’s one honourable algorithm.

I also hope someday those same guns explode on emotional impact.

10 Classic Movie Trilogies who’s Sequels are Actually Better than the Original



“What’s that, Paramount? You want me to have a small cameo in Part 2 after you butt raped me on my paycheck in my Academy Award winning performance in part 1? Yeah, I’ll make you offer you will refuse. It consists of a bottle of Vaseline and my Oscar statue”.

The Godfather Part 2



Come on, Son! Join the dark side. Don’t you know, “once you black. You never go back”.

The Empire Strikes Back



In Japan, the title was changed to “The Dragon who slayed the Horses Ass”.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly



“Oh my God! It must be Black Friday!”

Dawn of the Dead


30. Alien Stomach Scene

“I knew it! I under cooked the Chicken!” (Scene from Alien, the prequel to Aliens).




“Silver Surfer! Oh, wait; this guy is way more memorable”.

Terminator 2: Judgement Day



“Give me my precious”.

LOTR: The Return of the King



“My chainsaws a middle finger and I’m flipping you off”.

Evil Dead 2


“So yeah, this really happens in the movie”.

Old Boy



“Give it another 50 years and this will be considered child friendly”.

Toy Story 3

A Love Letter to Love


Dear Love,

How’s it going? It’s been awhile. I missed you. I finally got your message today and was writing back. I wanted to see how you were doing? Did you get the song I wrote about you? If not, I won’t be offended. You get what, like a million of those a day? Most of them written in the hopes of leaving the love out of the equation.Unless, you know, if you poop out a couple of kids and now you gotta pretend you’re in love. Speaking of which, I’ve been meaning to ask. Was I made from you? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want. I understand.



Regardless, today’s Valentine’s Day; that’s kinda your day. Sure, you’ve got to share it with some dead guy. It’s not your fault “Love Day” sounded stupid on paper. But, when are they going to make “Getting Laid Day” sound good on paper. That’s what I want to know. At the very least, “Blow Job Day”. Call it, “Mardi de Fellatio”. Say, a bunch of horny French-Mexicans got together with Teddy Roosevelt to pass a law but the Catholic Church owned the intellectual property rights….until now!



Anyways, I’m glad you wrote back. It touched me very deeply. I think about you everyday. It’s like you’re always here close to me. And, I like that. I like you. You could say, I you you. In bed, you make sex the best. In the mourning, you make my ugly wife super hot. In life, you make kids somewhat tolerable. Unconditionally, you’re my best friend! Although, you can be really one sided and that can make you a real brown eye. But, that’s only half the time! So, I hope to hear from you again soon.

Yours Truly,  

Jordan Dumer

PS, tell you’re twin brother Hate I said he‘s abully.

A Beautiful Woman is Like a Great Work of Art

A beautiful woman is a lot like a great work of art because you can’t keep your eyes off it. You’re not sure what it is that catches your eye. But it does, and now you’re obsessed. You might, even try to replicate the work onto another canvas. Put, trust me; woman hate that. It didn’t for James Stewart in Vertigo, and it ain’t gonna work for you.

Regardless, a beautiful woman and a great work of art have one major difference. When your done, you’re twelve seconds of glory has the same lasting impression as that painting. It took them weeks, even years to finish that work. You finished in less than a minute. That painting will last a last time. A major accomplishment in the evolution of our species on this planet. But twenty years later, you’ll be hanging out with your buddies going “remember that work of art? Yeah. I painted that face”.


Joke of the Day, Government Smart Watches


A few years from now, all Americans will be given Government regulated Smart Watches. It wont be to keep time. It’ll be to regulate your hand motions. Every middle finger will cost you $100. Every thumbs up will be stored in a government storage base. And men, mileage will be added to your dick. That’s right, your free ride days are numbered!


“HA!” Conan’s so Hilarious!