Now, I am just as guilty as millions of others who left myspace.com and joined facebook.com. However, I begin to regret that decision everyday. Also, I can’t believe it’s been over a decade since the first social network Facebook was launched. Oh, wait that was MySpace. Or was it Friendster? Heck, I didn’t even know about is until I StumbleUpon’ed it. Hey, that’s a Google+ 1 point for me.
I’ve been a facebook user for over a decade now and I think to myself? WHY??????!??!?!???!?!?!?!? I begin to hate the site more and more. It has some perks like its ability to become a digital black book and digital family index rolled up into one neat little digital package. You know, poke your best friends wife and your wifes hot sister. Yeah, you see where I’m going with this. Another great thing is adding all your friends ex girlfiriends, sisters, mom, virtually all the living woman on his Facebook page onto your Facebook page. Basically, become him minus the incest. Yeah, people love that! Plus, keep in touch with old friends or have them ignore you. Sure, some of the games are fun. The in depth profile is always nice to have. It has its strong points I guess.
I hate the new online marketing matrix’s selling their crap to me. Here’s a poem that describes my distaste.
The Businessman is Watching (POETIC SATIRE)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
is watching you
so, careful what you say
or, you’ll find advertisements
for something gay
flooding your Facebook page.
Speaking of which,
I made an innocent pedophile joke
and now I got Belial* Mart
sending e. mails with coupons
for boys pants half off!
- Belial can also be replaced with baal or bal but can NEVER be replaced with
balls. No exceptions ever!!!
Of course, this next part gets quite ugly. I mean dig your eyeballs out, seek treatment ugly. So, please enjoy!
Everyone now days is paranoid of internet stalkers. This strange guy befriended me on Facebook which I accepted his invitation voluntarily. Now he keeps staring at my public profile. Then, he thumbs up all my posts! Crazy guy even tried to communicate via instant message and chat but I hid in the closest with my gun in one hand and my bible in the other. I even vomited a little in my mouth.
Really? At least when their icon shows up you know exactly where they are, at home safe on the computer awing at the newest cat memes on their Facebook feeds. No, what you should worry about is when their icon disappears. Where did they go? Are they asleep? Are they in the bushes taking photos of me behind my computer drinking coffee? How did they know I sit and drink coffee at the same time?
Personally, I like an occasional stalker; their obsessive delusions reminds me of how unforgettable I am. It’s an ego booster! No, you shouldn’t worry until they message with, “I’m coming over to kill you bitch” and their little icon switches to mobile. Followed by a new post with a message reading, “Well, I’ll miss you all but I’m probably going to be going away for a while. Have a good day”.
Five minutes later two of his buddies thumbs up the post. Another comments back, “where you at?’ Another thirty seconds roll by and the stalker texts back with, “I’m on my way to kill this bitch”. Somehow, this starts a conversation that goes on for awhile.
AND NOW SHIT GETS CRAZY
Besides, sending cheap ass invitations for your fancy dinner parties. Facebook is also a great place to mess with the heads of your close friends, beloved family members and cherished colleges. My best, worst advice for Facebook ever. Write something crazy and than totally forget about it. Here’s a perfect one if you want the people closest to you scared and probably confused. But, most definitely scared.
One day, write on facebook.
I am the Walrus and the Son of Sam. I am the Walrus and the Son of Sam. I am the Walrus and the Son of Sam.
If you’re a woman, say this instead.
I am the Mother of Invention and the Queen of the Damned. I am the Mother of Invention and the Queen of the Damned.
Repeat these words until your mind begins to almost accept them as reality. I call this The Cliff of Madness. Don’t fall over, just kind of balance their for a few days and observe what happens.
Oh, you’ll get a lot of awkward silence wherever you go. But, people will tip toe around what they say when you’re around. And, if that don’t work. Next time your at the office or at the dinner table. Makes sure to whisper.
I am the walking dead and the evil within. I am the walking dead and the evil within.
That’ll throw ’em off for a few days. They’ll start asking you questions like have you seen the missing cats in the neighborhood or have you ever had the unwilling urge to kill! If they do, “tell them that Jordie says you’re next”. If they ask who’s Jordie, “tell them he’s an imaginary friend who writes to me on my computer”.
Then, show them a message with a blank screen and point while saying, ” can’t you see it? The letter is right there. Should, I read it to you?’ I you would like, see how far you can go with this joke. Just make sure to put this post on your browser in case things go to far. You could cause some serious damage with this joke. Make this a cautionary tale.